Post #5: The weeks before the Surgery Date

March 7th - Friday

I informed my banking team today about my diagnosis and my plan for taking time off. Immediately after I sent the email, I rec’d a call from one of them.  “I am a breast cancer survivor - stage 4. You will get thru this”…..

My daughter came home from college for her spring break week.  I finished my workday and my husband and I and kids happened to be sitting around the island just chatting, asking about their days. My youngest two said the school counselor asked them to her office and they told me about the conversations. As sat around the island talking about the importance of talking out how we feel and not bottling it up inside. The emotions took over for everyone. My oldest daughter broke down and said how scared she was and knows I’m going to be ok but is just scared, and she’s angry and mad that this happened to me, and why me of all people. She said she’s rather of had it happen to her… Wait. What? Never would I want that… My heart just broke hearing her pain and everyone’s pain. Tears filled up in everyone’s eyes because everyone was feeling the same way. Scared. Sad. Why. 

As a mom, we try to fix everything and have answers for everything. I didn’t. All I could do thru my tears is share that everything happens for a reason and we don’t know or always understand Gods plan but it’s part of the plan. The impact the word “cancer” has on kids who love you - is deep.  My advice at this moment - Don’t underestimate the struggle young minds go thru. Even if they are closed up about and don’t talk. We did have a bit of a break thru in sharing emotions tonight, but it was a heartbreaking break through. My heart aches for the worry my kids have in them. More prayers to comfort them. We will need to keep talking things out through this journey. 

March 8th - Saturday

Saturday morning, no kid activities today and first chance to sleep in for the whole family. 5:23am. I can’t sleep. Scrolling thru phone. 

Reading thru messages. Decided to get up….. a powerful message from God just hit me. The coworker who called me last night, just happened to sit next to me at the In-person team meeting we had last Monday downtown Cleveland. There was a room of 60 people, and she happened to be the one to sit next to me. She asked I was doing, I said “ok”, and she gave me a look and said, “I’m here if you need anything”…. 4 days later she calls me and says “I too am a breast cancer survivor” …. God sat her next to me that day, God gave me my new job that I wasn’t looking for, God put these people in my path. At that point, I can’t fall back asleep.  I’m just up.  What pops into my head?  One of my favorite songs from my most favorite musical artist “You are not alone” by Michael Jackson. I’m singing it in my head and decide I need to work on my website.  “You are not alone”. I am not alone. Maybe I need to add this to my website - a place to share your story and know WE are not alone.  

I walk downstairs and see a gift bag on my front steps. My daughter had a handful of girls sleepover so I’m thinking it might be one of their bags, but wasn’t sure… looking thru it to see whose it might be. I pull some of the items out of it to figure out what it is… and I pull out “Coloring Through Cancer”.  Tears. It’s surreal to read. This gift is for me. I am the one with cancer. It’s been 26 days of my diagnosis and it is hard to realize that this is MY story. I am the one with cancer. It has, but hasn’t, resonated with me until I see words like that and realize this is a gift bag for me. Then again I circle back to emotions of gratefulness that someone else took the time to put together such a thoughtful gift…. Lots of Gum (because I’m assuming I won’t be able to brush my teeth well after my surgery…. So the self conscious person I am absolutely love the thoughtfulness of including 2 jars of gum!), coloring pencils, coloring book, face mask for migraines, chocolates, candles…. all of it surrounding ways of comforting me after my surgery. Amazing the thought people put into gifts. I am taken over with just gratefulness and tears. Thank you dear friend.

March 8th am - meal train. 

Amazing.  Such a relief!

Absolutely THE.BEST.GIFT for a mom who know her kids need to eat, love to eat but I won’t be able to do anything after surgery. It brings such a relief to me knowing dinner will be covered for the days and weeks after my DMX. It is one less thing I need to worry about. So very thankful for this and whoever thought of this website and idea to get started for me. I SO VERY MUCH appreciate everyone who signed up and has brought me dinner this far. It’s moments like being diagnosed w a life changing condition- that your mind is all over the place and gets throw off from usual routines. There have been days I completely didn’t think about diner until one of the kids were asking what we are having. I’ve had some dinners just dropped off at the porch by surprise and wow they came at the right time meal train and dinners - best surprise gift that I didn't know I needed but so appreciated when it was there. 

March 8th - pm

Cancer is a mindfuck. If you know me, you know that I don't like to swear, I never use swear words. I always tell my kids that there are better words to use. But in this case, I really can't find another more appropriate description of what would describe how emotional being diagnosed with cancer is. It completely messes with your mind at the most unexpected moments. Today my mind is straying from my positivity. I feel a lump in my stomach and always thought it was hernia…. I swear someone once told me it was a hernia so I have always just ignored it. I don’t even bring it up at my annual doctor appts. Now I’m wondering it is a mass of cancer. I’m internally freaking out. It’s Saturday and we don’t see a doctor under Monday. And I need to keep it to myself because I can’t add one more thing to my husbands worrying too. 

My husband has been a rock since day one. But I know him better than myself and I know all of this is A LOT, along w the stress of his job, providing for our family, keeping everyone updated with information. He can only take so much…. So I’m not going to tell him till the morning right before our appt…. But I’m so worried. What if all along all these years it’s actually cancer and I’ve ignored this annoying “hernia” because I don’t have time to deal w it. Ugh. Note to self - don’t delay when you have concerns.. get EVERYTHING checked out. One thing I’ve realized if I don’t have my health…. What’s the point!??! Make the doctor appts.  Go to the dentist appts.  Be your own advocate because if you aren’t, who will be? 

Feb 8th pm- I’m still freaking out about this stomach mass. I decide to read a book in my bible a day and pick March 8th date to read.  “Seek God in everything I do. Do not veer from Me and find Me In everything I do and all my actions.” ….. ok Misti.  Change your mindset and refocus on your faith.  Do not give stress and more power to cancer.

Reflection - 

A soccer parent in my carpool is a breast cancer survivor. Now my one of my heros. Learning someone else is in the “club” that no one wants to be in, I have a new appreciation for that person. She too has gone this agonizing mindfuck and I feel so much empathy for her and what she’s been thru. I appreciate her and all her words so much. She stops by w flowers and I see her in the driveway. Along w the tons of tips she gives me one really stuck.  “Don’t give the word cancer any energy - don’t use the word”.  100% I love it. That word….. it’s evil. It’s breaking. It’s empowered. It’s my forever achilles heel. I won’t empower it any more. I won’t say it anymore.  I don’t know what I’m going to say, but I’m not normalizing that word in my house. I need to figure it out. From here forward in my writings it will be FC (Fuck Cancer). Sorry, another swear word... but again, how else can you best say it?

Reflection -

My husband has been an absolute rock thru this. It’s been 27 days since I was diagnosed. He has been the one w the burden of handling all my ups and downs, and everyone else’s. He’s been the one informing and fielding a million questions from my family, he’s been the one that is researching information, he’s been the one recording all our doctors, he’s been the one taking more ownership of the household chores, he’s been the one. I am so grateful for him.    

March 10th 

I woke up today with a prayer to have God show me signs today. 

Was in a funk today. My surgery day is getting closer. I’m feeling nervous and I have my pre-op appt today. My husband and I walked the dogs today, I shared about my hernia and that I am worried it’s cancer spot. He handled it well, but then we got in an argument on our walk. We both just are on edge, worried, sad, overwhelmed and tired. I guess throughout all this, I’ve realized what is worth my energy. I apologized - it was my fault anyway we fought. I don’t want to be upset with him.  He’s been amazing through all of this.  Absolutely amazing and my rock.  I am so lucky to have him thru this storm.  

Pre-op appt - went good.  A lot of info, scary but informative. I did learn my nipples could die - what?! That’s terrifying. And just another nugget of information that confirms FC sucks. I absolutely love my doctor. She’s amazing and that is comforting to me. I know I'm in the best possible hands for my surgery. Thank you God for putting these amazing doctors in my path.

I’m in a good mood today and feeling positive and ready to fight this head on and know I can do what I have ahead of me. My husband and I pick up Core Life for lunch on the way home. I’m sitting at our kitchen island eating and pick up my phone and start scrolling on facebook. The very first post was a facebook friend sharing a post about her friend who lost her battle with cancer. I loose it. My good mood instantly turns to worried and scared. There goes my day and here come the tears of worry. I decide I need to do something to distract me and positive today. Grateful hearts. I’m going to focus my energy towards Grateful Hearts.

Oh and by the way, I did tell my doctor about my hernia/is this cancer spot in my stomach, and she confirmed that it was probably a hernia and I’ll need to get that fixed. Case closed on that one…. I’m going to do that once I’m all done with this, but I’m going to remove that worry. Because these days, I have to tell myself these types of things…. It’s not worth my energy right now. 

March 11th 

Up at 4:33am. Ugh. I need to sleep.  

I’m going to try to go back to bed, I need to focus on positivity and good vibes today.   Please God, help me find both. 

March 11th

4:51am. Still can’t sleep. 

I check my text messages and see my daughter posted a prayer verse to our family chat last night after I fell asleep. 

Ok- i prayed that when I first wake up that I would see signs from God. Then I see this message from my daughter, perfect timing. God is so good…. This was my first sign. Today is going to be a good day! Now do I try to fall back asleep for another hour because I’m exhausted?  Or do I work on Grateful Hearts?! 

8:02am I posted sharegratefulhearts.com this morning. First step. It’s going to be a long day. But I’ve got this.

March 12th 

I woke up and my first thought was to pray and ask God that I see him in all things today. Today is going to be a good day.  But it was a day with a lot of tears.

Hair appt first thing in the morning. Therapeutic but hard. It’s just hard seeing people for the first time and telling my story. But at the end, I felt good about my hair! I always love getting my hair done. I couldn’t help to think and worry if it was the last time I would have my hair done and look like this with the thought of potentially loosing all my hair with chemo and it growing it differently in the future. I made my next hair appt with her like I usually do, simultaneously worrying if I would need to have to cancel it. 

Move on … I get into work mindset to get some work done.

Have lunch w my mom and daughter which was nice. 

Run errands w my daughter which I loved. I love one on one time. 

Get home to a beautiful gift basket from my bookclub friends which included so many items from BROBE, which is a mastectomy shop.  My friends got me all items that would be helpful after my surgery…. It was amazing. So thoughtful and so kind.  Cried

Got another gift shipped to me, dedication book. Cried

Family gathered to give me gift - super cute comft set w zip up, little motivational guys, super cute candle that says I’m a badass, a card filled so much love…. Cried

My neighbors stopped over w a gift from our friend group. First time seeing them since diagnosis. We talked about 20 minutes, it felt great to see them. I wanted to cry, but I held it in. The kids have already seen so much today I really worked hard to have just the positive Misti for this visit. Another beautifully thought out gift from my friends…. Overwhelmed w gratefulness for the amazing support I have around me. 

It’s late now and trying to get the kids in bed bc tmrw morning waking up for school is going to be hard …. We can’t almost miss the bus this week for the 4th time!  

Say good night to me kids, they all go in their rooms, I’m folding clothes and then I get this feeling to check on one of them. I walk in, and I see my child sitting in the dark just crying to himself.  Crying really hard. I run in to embrace and ask what happened what’s wrong, and I hear faintly “I’m worried for your surgery”…. Ugh. My heart breaks.  

There is so much worry in the air this week.  I’m trying to just keep talking thru what next week looks like w me in the hospital so the kids feel comfortable w what the plan will be, and trying to “normalize” the plan…. But it’s not normal. This is terrifying for not just me, but for all of us. How can I normalize a 5-7 hour surgery and just tell my kids “you go to school and then you can visit me later”. Wtf!!!  What’s the right plan…. What’s the right answers…. I don’t have the answers. I just have heartbreak.  This is longest week ever. The days are creeping by. Tmrw is only Thursday. Please God, wrap your loving arms around each of my kids and help them thru this, help them seek you in all times of worry. 

March 13th

Woke up w my focus on God again. I’m glad this is my first prayer of the day.  But I woke up with such a heavy heart.  I’m so sad that my kids are so worried about me…. They are kids. They should be thinking kids things, not that their mom has FC and a 5-7 hour surgery next week. I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m nervous, I’m a wreck this morning. I can’t even hide it…. Atleast my 2 youngest are off to school and my 2 oldest are still sleep. My husband comes down and I let it out.  We decided for our kids sake, we can’t talk about the surgery anymore - it’s too much on the forefront of their minds right now, so we need to focus on everything else but that.

Afternoon - I feel numb. Like is this actually happening to me?  I’m so exhausted and feel just numb. This is such a surreal state of mind I’m in…. I’m running a few errands while I have the luxury of driving right now, and I pull into Home Depot and my husband calls me. Says one of our good friends just dropped off gift bags for my 4 kids, and a huge basket of gifts for me…. I’m just silent. In a daze…. Wait what….why? I just don’t feel like this is MY story, I want to pinch myself to check if this is real. I feel like I’m watching someone else’s life play out who was diagnosed with cancer, not my own… but then reality hits and it is mine… and I breakdown.  

Just picked up my daughter from school because she needed a mental break. I’m so glad I dropped everything and picked her up. It’s what we both needed. A few tears, a little talking and then what sealed the deal - shopping therapy. Bought new tennis shoes and that got a smile, then two minutes after she got in the car, she asked me if i was scared for my surgery. March 18th is on the top of everyone’s mind. I told her “No… I’m not scared because I know God will be watching over me and the surgeons all day on Tuesday”.  I’m not nervous at all I repeated several times. I do know I will be in Gods hands that day so I do take comfort in that, but I think I sold that pretty good to her. But damn, that was not easy. I am terrified, not just for the surgery but for everything that is to come ahead…. But my biggest concern - is my kids. All I want is to take away their worries…. It’s heartbreaking when you can’t fix it immediately. One day at a time.

Evening - I run more errands and get home to see this amazing gift assortment from 34 family friends for our family. It was incredible in every way. SO much thoughtfulness, kindness and generosity went into this collection of gifts from 34 of our friends who are family… all items I would find useful for after my surgery… and individual gift bags for each of my kids filled with so much generosity and care. My kids all lit up with smiles when they saw the gift bag was addressed to their name. It was so amazing. And icing on the cake, dinner was brought over for my family / one less thing to worry about …. I feel so incredibly grateful for these generous gifts today and everything I have been gifted along these past several weeks. Each gift had so much thought and kindness went into each package. Each gift came on the right day to get my mind right. I have a village of support behind and I can do this.  We can do this…. Let’s stop being scared and fight this head on.