Post #7: The Days before the Surgery

Friday March 14th

Today was my husband and my last days of work because of my surgery on Tuesday.  It was so busy and the day flew by. I was totally exhausted by 6pm because I woke up at 4:39am again and started my day. Couldn’t sleep.  

Overall I felt good today and positive. The sun was out and a high of 75 today - boy that makes a difference. This weekend we are basically “nesting” getting any and everything ready for my surgery and getting house stuff fine and cleaned up for having company over. Feels good to clean and organize. I’m embracing doing all the laundry. I keep warning my kids and husband about the laundry while I’m out w DMX bot able to do it.  It’s so silly me thinking no one can do laundry like mom lol…. So petty in the whole scheme of things haha…. Well we’ll see how it goes next week.

4 more days till surgery. Feeling all the feelings…. And also now starting to get nervous. There’s no way to go but forward….. 

March 15th

I was running errands to get a birthday gift and I ran into a friend in the store who I recently learned also experienced cancer several years ago… I immediately connect with her now. My heart goes out to her for what she must’ve gone through so many years ago. We stood in the parking lot and just talked, and there were so much that she said that I connect and relate to… One of the things she said was how you will feel less stressed about everything going on. You’ll just be more chill. And that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling these past couple weeks just I use the word numb. I don’t know what the right word is, but I just feel extra relaxed. Meaning my head is still spinning but overall, I’m not worried about anything else because I know it’ll be fine. I’m a very type A personality. I like the details and I like to stress over all the planning and make sure everything is lined up just perfectly when I normally take on projects. I’m always wanting to take on projects, just ask my husband lol. But now I have this sense of it’s gonna be fine not a big deal. Don’t need to worry about the details, it’ll be just fine. And then when my friend in the parking lot said that that’s how she is about everything I paused and wondered if I will always feel this way going forward?! Such a strange life altering experience being diagnosed with FC.

March 17th - night before my surgery.

I’m feeling really strange today. I feel disconnected a little bit… I am super nervous for tomorrow yet also ready to take this first step to becoming cancer free. I am super excited to give my doctors their Grateful Hearts but also I just don’t know how to feel right now. 

I’m nervous to say goodbye to my kids in the morning. I don’t want them to be sad or me to break down in front of them. I am also nervous to wake up after my surgery to hear that update, and I’m still nervous for what’s to come ahead of me… But I have to keep moving forward so I’m going to keep moving forward in the morning. 

This journey has opened my eyes to the many, the too many, people have to deal with FC. I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe that there’s so much of this around. 

I don’t know what my purpose is, but I hope to find it soon.