Post #8: Post Surgery

March 22nd - 4 days after DMX

It’s been a week.

Surgery was a success this week!

My breast surgeon said she got all the cancer out! PS put in expanders, all went smoothly.  The pain was terrible, had to stay an extra night in hospital because we couldn’t manage the pain. Finally got home 2 days later and am recliner bound and helpless, can’t do anything, coughing like crazy w wetness in my lungs which I guess is normal after a long surgery and anesthesia for that long, but it hurts like hell with every deep cough. My stomach aches due to all the pain meds they gave me in the hospital, from oxy, to morphine to everything under the sun that my body does not take. And still in my recliner, tired, feeling pain and achiness all throughout my chest and in the 4 drains attached to my sides, and bored. Trying to stay positive, but this is hard. Asking on Facebook support pages when does the pain get better? What to expect next, when does this get better….. ugh.

The bright side in all this is all the love and support my family is getting from family and friends. So much food and love shared - it’s keeping me going. I am so appreciative of my “pod” and I can’t wait to share my creation for those keepsakes (more to come on that front). I want to work on my website, but don’t think I can do it yet physically. But I’m anxious to. I want to be a help to others and I want to find my purpose, and why this happened….  

Tuesday, March 25

It’s been one week since my DMX.  

Back in my recliner chair and what’s on my agenda for today… nothing. Again. I physically can't do anything, it hurts too much.

Yesterday was pretty much the same, but I actually fed myself w a fork (after a plate was put in front of me), and pulled up my own underwear and pants after going to the bathroom (instead of my husband helping every time), answered some emails from my laptop (that was placed on my lap, I didn’t carry it)…. And last night, all those little things that I did independently - hit me. I was in so much pain later that night. My chest felt like rocks on top of raw skin just moving around. It was bad. So… now back to square 1 - gonna sit all day, nap and try to find something to watch on tv to distract me.   

March 28th

Big week. Had two doctors appts. 

Weds March 26th, I thought I was just going in to check on my stitches and post op - but learned my pathology report was in.  I started crying just learning the report was in. Hearing it was in terrified me. Nurse practitioner sat me on the table, looked at my stitches, replaced my bandages. The entire time I laid there I was thinking that my pathology report must be bad that is why she's not saying anything more about it and she's doing my bandages first. It was wrenching… I put my clothes back together and sat on the chair next to the desk. She pulled out the report and went thru it line by line. It was all great news ❤️ lymph nodes were clear, margins were good, all the cancer was gone. Right breast details were what we thought, ICD but it was actually grade 1, not 2. 17mm in size. Left breast, was more than just abnormal cells- it advanced to DCIS grade 2, faster growing 4mm in size. She said Thank God you got both out…. She confirmed the surgery and I was overcome w emotions. Rick and I cried together in the office / so very relieved. Thank you God!!

Doctor's appt the next day - 2 drains removed. 2 more drains to go. Still struggling w so much pain and a very limited lifestyle - I can’t shower, I can’t put my hair in a pony tail, I can lift anything… but I am cancer free. That helps put all my frustrations aside.  One more day forward. I am blessed. Thank you God. ❤️✝️🙏

March 31st -

Have I mentioned that cancer is a total mindfuck?  Yes it is…. And I don’t even like to swear. I tell my kids all the time there are better words out there to use, but in this scenario, I really can’t think of a better word to describe what a cancer diagnosis does to your mind. It is a constant game, or maybe better way to say it is a constant battle with your own thoughts and feelings. It’s researching and learning about the disease and then simultaneously that step taking you down a dark hole of worry and concern about the what if’s. What if my results come back this way, what if they don’t catch it all, what if there are micro spots that broke off of the tumors and are in my blood stream, what if this comes back in a different form that’s even worse. I’m a mom, which automatically makes me a worrier. The thought of not being around for my kids in there life moments, is the worst part of the what if’s.

Then, you have to pivot…. Stop and regain my center and remember my faith. God has a plan. God is good. God is amazing and has been every stop of the way in my life and throughout my diagnosis. He helped me find my tumor, he put the caretakers in my path every step of the way. He gave me my surgeons to remove the cancer, he put all these amazing people in my life to help support me along the journey…. He made me cancer free. He will keep me cancer free, and I will continue to follow Him and look for Him in everything I do. 

So, come out of that black hole of what ifs and refocus Misti.   

This. Happens multiple times a day. 

But I always refocus.

So now…. Other mindfuck thoughts…. How do I get back to who I was before this diagnosis?  I loved my life, my family, my social circle, my job…. But how do I go back to how I lived before when so much has changed in these short 7 weeks. Getting diagnosed w cancer is like feeling like you got some contagious disease in some ways…. For me, I feel ashamed or embarrassed in some way. I’m not really sure why, but that feeling is real. So that’s the mindfuck. How to go back to life as is, when something so big like this has happened to me. So… I don’t know. I’m still navigating that part of this. I don’t have all the answers …. But I will find them. 

Reflection

What do people do who don’t have support?  I have been blessed with an amazing husband and family and friends who are lifting me up daily…. With their love, calls, text messages, gifts, flowers, I could go on and on…

I feel incredibly blessed to have all the love and support I have seen these past 7 weeks. 

One of the most humbling things is not being able to care for your own self.  My thoughts immediately go to our dear friend who had ALS. The last years and months of his life, his body was slowly failing him…. Heartbreaking. But Ryan will forever live on in all of us - his courage, his determination, his love for life. 

For me….after my surgery, the pain was terrible. My first shower, 2nd,3rd showers were all with me completely helpless. My husband showered me with the most gentle hand worried he would hurt me. Now 14 days after surgery and I still can’t shower myself. I can’t put my hair in a pony tail, I can’t lift my arms above my shoulders, and still have 2 drains in. I’m swollen and still in pain. I sit on the shower seat, and my husband washes my hair and my body with so much care. I hate feeling so helpless, but I so much appreciate my husband for stepping up to this role as my caretaker. He has every aspect covered - my showers every other day, my drains, my medications every 3 hours thru out the days and nights - everything. 

I can’t help but wonder what does one do when they don’t have this type of support? My heart breaks for people who have to go thru this alone. Not just the physical parts of this, but the mental which might be even harder…. 

Reflection

Letting your kids seeing you as you are, not the super human, mom with all the answers, indestructible parent you have always portrayed yourself to be since their birth.  

Life happens. I guess I’m thankful my kids are at ages to understand all the ups and downs of this chapter…. Seeing me in this helpless state. Yet I know this chapter will end good and show us all the purpose in going through his. I know the good will shine through for everyone involved in this. 

A friend of mine just wrote a message on Instagram for me that I loved: “You’re a warrior and an amazing example for your family xo”

This. And messages just like this that I receive from my village daily, are what brings light into my days and courage to get through this. Thank you all!

A few of our moments...

First family gathering celebrating my pathology report! Cheers!