Post #3: Waiting for Test Results ... Agonizing

March 2nd - Sunday morning

I’ve made it to March.  I’m still waiting for my onco score (this is the test that determines if chemotherapy will be needed in my treatment plan) and the genealogy test results - the wait is agonizing.  I can’t sleep and when I wake up throughout the night I get lost in my phone researching about breast cancer and reading every terrifying and encouraging post throughout the breast cancer facebook pages.   I just asked a question on the breast cancer group page on what to wear after my DMX, and got so many amazing responses w helpful information and wonderful support and all I can do is cry. I have so many emotions right now… gratefulness, sadness, worry and while I have have all the support in the world, yet I feel so alone.  I have to say that I am so grateful for the “pink sisters” that now I guess I’m a part of.  I feel so connected to everyone on that Facebook page.  I feel their worry anxiety prayers and support. I read thru every comment on almost every post and sympathize and relate wholeheartedly.  This is definitely not a club I ever imagined I would be a part of, but now I will never not be. Being diagnosed with breast cancer completely changes how you look and feel about everything. 

I’m trying to stay distracted by cleaning and reorganizing everything I can, and I find myself attracted back to my pink sisters and the Facebook page…. Sitting here crying and I have no idea why. Is it gratefulness for this amazing support, sadness, actually I think I’m just overwhelmed. But I recircle back to God. I’ve got this. 

Ok took a minute - talked with God and myself and I’m better. Gosh I look around at the cards and gifts and think of my circle of support and all I can do is say thank you to God for my amazing family and all my amazing friends who are also my family, and people near and far who have reached out with acts of love, support and encouragement into my life.  

March 5th - Evening Its a Sunday night, but I received a My Chart email and immediately check it for results, and I got one! My genetic test came back - it was NEGATIVE!  So relieved. My kids don't have to worry about this being genetically connected for them. This was huge, and even more important than the onco test, so I am so very happy with this news! We tell the kids at dinner and explain what this mean... my youngest asks "so then how did you get cancer?" I have no answer and think to myself, I have no f-ing idea.  

March 5th -

Day 15 - still waiting for my onco score to come back. The waiting is agonizing.  

I wake up exhausted. Went to be early but just can’t seem to ever feel rested. As I wake up, my mind is telling me how tired I am and then I start to worry and think about the possible scenarios I have in front of me. Scared and worried for both, but really hoping for the surgery first to get this crap out of me. I can't stand the feeling of having this inside my body. 

Then I have to talk to myself and remind myself of my strong faith and God’s plan to get my mind right for the day. I fully believe with my whole heart, but this type of worry and concern is a hard one to keep fighting off every day. I think this is the root of the exhaustion I feel. I’m constantly fighting off the enemies to get my mind right and focus on all the good and know God has a plan.

Today’s going to be a good day. Let’s get to it. 

  March 6th - "Thankful Thursday"

We started off this week on Monday with a family text thread that talked about how Monday was gonna be the day ...Monday would be the day that I would finally get the results back from the onco test that I have eagerly been waiting for. The entire family texted sending positive vibes to the universe that Monday would be the day!

Nothing.

Prayers to God that the test results will come through today (Tuesday) and one of my family members said "Today’s gonna be 'Terrific Tuesday'" and we will get the results today.

Tuesday came and went - no test results.

Today (Weds) will be 'Wonderful Wednesday' with great news back on results!

No results.  

The family text thread had circulating messages with the above every.day.this.week. 'Thankful Thursday' came and still no test results so I finally decided I would call my doctors office to see when they might come in. It was day 16 that we were waiting anxiously for these results. I left a message. Hearing this test result would then finalize what my plan going forward would look like.... I needed to wrap my head around what my future looked like. Is it surgery first? Is it chemotherapy first? Is it something else.... what is it? From the start of the day on Thursday, I had a good feeling that today was gonna be a great day. I got my mindset that there was going to be great news today. Halfway throughout the day, I got a text message from a good friend who’s working on a project for me (Grateful Hearts - Read my Grateful Heart Blog to learn more!) and my friend texted me that the first batch is done and will drop off the ornaments this evening! He texted me a picture of my creation. It was amazing. It was everything I envisioned and more! I called him immediately, left him a voicemail and told him that’s why today is 'Thankful Thursday' it was because of him! I knew it was gonna be a good day and I can’t wait to see them. My day was already going in the right direction! 

Afternoon comes and goes and still no call back from the doctor. Then around 5 o’clock that day I got a callback from the nurse in the oncology office and was informed they never sent my onco test because of my doctor team reconsulted and they decided that surgery would be first, remove all tissue and lymph nodes to then send out for testing. Miscommunication I guess that the new plan was never communicated back to me, or perhaps I misheard the plan with the overload of information provided to us since day one of this journey. Either way, I’ve been waiting 17 days anxiously for these test results to come back which would confirm or derail my current plan of surgery. I hung up the phone. I wasn’t quite sure how to feel. I kind of felt numb because I’ve been anxiously waiting for these test results to determine what my future treatment path might be. But now I have nothing to wait for except for surgery. That night, our friend group had plans to celebrate a very close friend's bday. I had to go. This friend has been amazing to me since day one of learning of my diagnosis by bringing over a pot of chicken noodle soup unexpectedly on my front porch with the sweetest note. It was the perfect act of kindness as I planned nothing for dinner that night. My brain capacity is maxed, I am so consumed w my diagnosis, my worry, my everything new that I need to think about, I get lost, and I can barely plan my dinners for the family anymore. The soup came in clutch! But back to today…  I was feeling anxious to see such a large crowd, even though they are all my closest of friends. I don’t want to be the one everyone gives a sympathetic look to and be a downer of what is supposed to be a fun cheery birthday celebration night for my dear friend. But I went. My neighbor friend asked me earlier in the week to drive together. I know she did that to encourage me to go to dinner and not bale out, which now I’m thankful for! But that ask did make me anxious. We drove together, talked together and it helped. I’m so glad I didn’t walk into that dinner alone. I put my diagnosis behind me and tried to act like it was no big deal. I put on a great face and hugged everyone and then…. I embraced it all. It felt great! I felt the love and support of these beautiful friendships…. I know it’s sometimes uncomfortable to talk with someone that has hardship happening, but what I realized, is everyone is going thru their own hardships, either privately or just different. It’s ok to talk and also not talk about it. But all in all I felt the love and so glad that I went that night.

And actually I realized after digesting the information the nurse told me on the phone earlier that my plan was set. At least I knew my surgery was on and the plan was as is going forward. So I did feel some sincere relief for that.

Friday March 7 - waking up more relieved with the feeling of not having to wait and anticipate a test result felt amazing this morning!

It’s an odd feeling to have a constant heaviness in your chest of just heaviness. I can’t explain it. I know I’m part of God’s overall plan and I try to put away my worry and know that there’s a plan and I’ll be fine and I’m part of a greater picture. But the heaviness is just there.